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John Petrucci Has Eight Fingers on Each Hand -- A Seussian Ode

  • John Petrucci Has Eight Fingers on Each Hand -- A Seussian Ode
    March 28, 2012 - 8:06pm

    John Petrucci has eight fingers on each hand
    What’s that you say? You don’t understand?
    I’ll say it again – John Petrucci has eight fingers on each hand.
    He played “Under a Glass Moon” like an octopus with long hair,
    He played “Hell’s Kitchen” like a squid with a stare
    That causes lesser guitarists to go weak at the knees,
    And reset their sights on solos from Squeeze.

    My Grandpa George once said, “John Petrucci? Bah! He’s really just fair.
    He’s not Clapton, or Satch, or anyone in Slayer.”
    My only reply was a shake of my head,
    And a heads-up to Gramps that it was eight o’clock — time for bed.
    Up he went for the night, but he came down not long after
    With a spooked look on his face and an odd kind of laughter.
    He said, “John Petrucci just visited me in my dreams.
    He flew down on an Ibanez possessed of golden strings.
    Then he played a solo that plucked the hair from my chest,
    And conjured up three leprechauns in green leather vests,
    Followed by unicorns, and dragons, and wizards galore,
    And a topless biker chick who came and kicked down my door.
    It was the most beautiful thing, you must understand,
    And at the end of it all he showed me his hands.”

    With a smile on my face I said, “Let me guess – eight fingers there were?”
    To which my grandpa replied, “Yes, my boy, yes – and then it became quite a blur.
    For all of the guitarists I ever did see,
    The Vais and the Johnsons and even guys named CC,
    Rushed into his pinky and pulled up a chair,
    While John Petrucci played every solo they’d ever shared,
    Only he played them backwards – and on one leg.”

    The End

    10
The Word Masseur's picture
on March 28, 2012 - 8:06pm

John Petrucci has eight fingers on each hand
What’s that you say? You don’t understand?
I’ll say it again – John Petrucci has eight fingers on each hand.
He played “Under a Glass Moon” like an octopus with long hair,
He played “Hell’s Kitchen” like a squid with a stare
That causes lesser guitarists to go weak at the knees,
And reset their sights on solos from Squeeze.

My Grandpa George once said, “John Petrucci? Bah! He’s really just fair.
He’s not Clapton, or Satch, or anyone in Slayer.”
My only reply was a shake of my head,
And a heads-up to Gramps that it was eight o’clock — time for bed.
Up he went for the night, but he came down not long after
With a spooked look on his face and an odd kind of laughter.
He said, “John Petrucci just visited me in my dreams.
He flew down on an Ibanez possessed of golden strings.
Then he played a solo that plucked the hair from my chest,
And conjured up three leprechauns in green leather vests,
Followed by unicorns, and dragons, and wizards galore,
And a topless biker chick who came and kicked down my door.
It was the most beautiful thing, you must understand,
And at the end of it all he showed me his hands.”

With a smile on my face I said, “Let me guess – eight fingers there were?”
To which my grandpa replied, “Yes, my boy, yes – and then it became quite a blur.
For all of the guitarists I ever did see,
The Vais and the Johnsons and even guys named CC,
Rushed into his pinky and pulled up a chair,
While John Petrucci played every solo they’d ever shared,
Only he played them backwards – and on one leg.”

The End

Forum category: 
The Word Masseur's picture

Time for a poem.

The Word Masseur's picture

@George Elliot:

Thanks, George -- I appreciate your kind words!

Great Steinbeck quote. As relevant today as it was 80 years ago.

Best,

Brian

George Elliot's picture

That was a very creative poem. I am a writer myself and I really appreciate mental images. It sort of reminded me of "The Cremation of Sam McGee" and "A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings". JP should put this on his web site.

The Word Masseur's picture

I just sang the first few lines at "Devil Went Down to Georgia" speed and it's perfect. You sir are of savant-ish stock.

Ian Anderson's a good suggestion, but I need someone taller and with slightly more chest hair, so I've got a vm into Ron Burgundy's agent.

I'm kind of a big deal.

JeffAsIAm's picture

Try a Devil went down to Georgia style melody. And get Ian Anderson to play fife for you. And don't forget the cowbell ! We need more cowbell !!! I thought it was great. I wish I was stoned, cause I think I'd still be on the floor LMFAO. I work out.

The Word Masseur's picture

@Joelee:

Thank you!

Joelee's picture

Haha...this is totally awesome. From an avid Dr. Suess fan..and a die-hard DT fan, let it be known that you rock. :) \m/

The Word Masseur's picture

@comment:

Thanks. I'd like to record a musical version of this, but I'm having a hard time finding the right fife player. You can't mention leprechauns in a song without a fife on-hand.

Best,

Brian

comment's picture

LOL That was funny man. Really your JP and this is a song on your [b]new solo album[/b], right?

Callahan's picture

:)